Masked Feelings: Love & Loss

Hello Readers,

Let me go ahead and warn you now… Trigger Warning: This is a very emotional post about the music I’m making, right now and all the pains that triggered it. And it may also be extremely ironic and have some strong language, so keep that in mind; if you do decide to continue reading this. Thank you!

Okay, so here’s my tragic childhood backstory: I grew up, being severely bullied in elementary school, into middle school (and I might be writing a blog post about that middle school I went to at some point, later on…) and music became my medicine. I had an absentee father, who was severely addicted to drugs and alcohol. Overall, my childhood was just rough and quite depressing, at times. But when I rediscovered anime, when I was about 10 or 11; I discovered this little show called “Sailor Moon” now known as “Sailor Moon Classic” and I unfortunately fell in love with this character named “Mamoru Chiba” aka “Tuxedo Mask”. Who is, in some ways like my father… He betrayed the character, I cosplay so passionately. And I’ve been betrayed by many, many Tuxedo Mask cosplayers. I’ve actually split the word into cos-players. It’s an insult, I have for them, nowadays. Now, before anyone comments and says “Not all people who cosplay Tuxedo Mask…” — I had a Tuxedo Mask cosplayer tell me, shortly before I broke up with him on a friendship level that quote “Most Tuxedo Mask cosplayers are just out to get girls”. So, yea… Take that quote, as you will. And yes, I’m still writing songs about this particular Tuxedo Creep*ss. And that’s the tragic backstory, to this blog.

Now, here’s where it gets interesting. I feel like while I’ve been so unlucky in love when it comes to fellow Sailor Moon cosplayers and just with men, in general, in my life. I do think there’s a weird positive to all this sorrow and suffering; and I’ve honestly been debating with myself whether or not the path that I’m taking. The path of music, is truly a path of sorrow or not (any Tokyo Ghoul fans, get that reference? Moving on…). Because the music industry is full of heartbroken people, who make great music based off of their pain and heartache. And a lot of my favorite artists and my favorite songs by these artists, are heartbroken and/or healing from heartbreak in an empowering form of acceptance. So, I think the positive is and has always been the medicine for my Soul, music. 

And a male friend of mine, recently told me; that “when the right one comes along, you can put him in the costume of your choice” and that kind of warmed my heart. Although I still feel the aching, my heart feels like it’s bleeding honestly. Internal bleeding… That’s the best way to describe it, although when I went through my worst breakup with the worst Endo (that’s what we’ll call this particular Tuxedo Mask cosplayer) from 2014 — I think my heartbreak and heart bleeding, was eternal bleeding. I cried for hours, I wrote fanfictions so dark and depressing that I can’t even read some of them. While others, I adore for the growth that my character went through and really the growth I experienced as a person academically and in other areas of my life. But I feel like I’m rambling now. I bet you’re wondering, where the point is in all of this, eh?

The point is, seeing as I’m both Sailor Moon & Kaneki Ken! Aka Sailor Ghoul, feel free to Google Image this character and see how awesome the fanart created for her is… There are a lot of masks that are worn by these characters, in these shows. And in the cosplay community, especially nowadays people are masking themselves. Some to get girls, others to get inspirations. I’m the latter kind, I wear a mask of Sailor Moon sometimes to be find inspirations from my friends and sometimes to learn the hard way that love is truly difficult for an otaku! 😉 😉 And other times, I wear the mask of a ghoul to test how well my friends know me.

 

Plus in recent times, I do feel like a lot of my friends have become a sort of otaku clique and have felt the need to leave me out of their little clique… For whatever their corrupted reasons may be. To each their own cliques! Yes, I’m enraged about it but that’s an entirely different blog altogether about toxicity in the cosplay community, in my opinion. But I guess, what I’m trying to say in this blog is that you may see a beautiful smirk and a nice brunette wig; don’t be fooled by those first impressions. It’s more than likely, a cheap, plastic, womanizing mask… And other times, you may see a beautiful, brown eyed, platinum blonde smiling at you with her buns up and wand out; don’t assume she’s looking for a Tuxedo Mask to rescue her. She may, in fact be looking for a new song to write. Whether it’s positive or negative! This girl, may in fact be ghoulish… Don’t make any assumptions and see what happens, if you’re blessed enough to see her without the mask of a smile or with the mask of a ghoul.

Thanks For Reading This,

Sukai! xoxo